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My recovery story

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1 My recovery story on Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:25 pm

I hope it is okay to share my story. I will try my best not to include triggers of any kind! And I hope I can inspire some of you that there is hope Wink

So it all started when I was 10. I had just changed schools from elementary school to grammar school. I started comparing myself to the other girls and felt very unhappy in my skin. I thought I was 'fat', though my weight was perfectly healthy and normal! I wanted to start dieting. But I didn't know how and so I ended up restricting and than binging. I binged, over and over again. And when I was 12-13 (don't remember exactly), I had become slightly overweight. That was a shock to me, but I didn't know how I could change my eating behaviours. I was very depressed, some days I didn't leave my bed. I just lied around all day; ate and ate and ate. But until I was 14 I grew 12cm and Lost a little weight. When I was 14 years old, I was at a perfectly healthy weight. But I felt extremely fat. Though I wasn't overweight anymore, I still thought I was. When I turned 15 January '13 I started restricting. Majorly. I had signed up for an exchange to the US that started in August, and I 'wanted to be pretty and skinny to finally make friends, be popular and start over'. I thought I'd just lose a few kg's and than I would like myself. Boy was Iwrong. It all started spiralling out of control and in June/July '13 I had reached a really dangerously low bmi. My mom ignored it, though everybody told her they think I'm anorexic; she didn't wanna see that I have a problem. I wanted to get help but I was too scared they would cancel my exchange because my weight was too low. But still I knew, I had to change something. I found motivation to recover, on my own (which I don't support. You NEED help to recover. I didn't get the help I needed back then and it didn't do me good). I don't know how I did it, but within one month, I gained 10kg on a 3500+ calorie mealplan that I had set up for myself. It was bloody hard. My bmi was only very slightly underweight then, but I was happy. I was 'fit and healthy' (at least I thought so, but today I know that I was orthorexic back then. Overexercising and not allowing myself any treats). I had made it, I could go on my exchange. I don't want to go into detail about my exchange, but I gained another 10kg, fell back into the binge cycle, and broke it up after 5 months, on Christmas Eve I was back home. I was majorly depressed and suicidal. I started restricting again. But I started treatment. I also changed schools, but only went there for 2 months. Then I couldn't go to scjool anymore, I was not mentally stable enough. This whole year of 2014 was an ongoing battle between recovery and relapse. I was slightly underweight at some points, but not dangerously. Then in April I got admitted inpatient in a psychological clinic for 9 weeks. It helped for a while, but soon I got worse again. I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia. Now I am fighting on my own. Some days are really bad, still, but there are more and more good days. I have more freedom with food and am in a healthy relationship with exercise. I am almost 17 now. And 7 years of ED are definetely enough! Recovery until the very end

Sorry it's so long Shocked I wish you all the best fighters!

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2 Re: My recovery story on Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:29 pm

Amalie

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It is so sad to read that you have struggled for so long. Keep on recovering - you do not want another 7 years like this <3

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3 Re: My recovery story on Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:33 pm

Thank you! What if when I'm 24 I'm still trapped in this? That is the worst thing I can imagine and a huge motivation not to relapse again, even though the urges have been sky high lately

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4 Re: My recovery story on Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:44 pm

Amalie

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True. Reminds me of this quote;

"I can’t be lying on my deathbed, at 19, or 30, or 88, and be asked ‘did you accomplish everything you wanted to?’ and the answer being no, because all I had done my whole fucking existence was avoid pizza and chocolate and peanut butter. Because taste is part of the five senses and it’s part of being alive. Because I’m not going to be dropped down six feet on a rainy Thursday when I’m afraid of having a bowl of ice cream with the people I love because the voices in my head have reduced Ben & Jerry’s to nothing but numbers and percent signs which, when you really think about it, never actually meant anything at all."

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5 Re: My recovery story on Tue Nov 04, 2014 9:32 pm

So yeah, I just started recovery about 3 weeks ago and honestly it´s been the most exhausting 3 weeks in my life and I´m fighting so much against these voices. I would be lying if I said I haven´t struggled, bc I have and still are, every day. But anyway, here´s my story very detail, possible trigger (?) and I have never shared this to any one before so please do not hate Smile

I have always been slim and quite active at a young age, so I never had any trouble or thoughts about begin fat. I could eat whatever I wanted to and I honestly did not care. (I miss those days) But when I got 12-13 I started to get ill a lot and did not have the energy to work out anymore, so my parents took me to see a doctor. After some weeks and a lot of tests, they found out that I had a sickness called Grave´s disease. (google it) So I had to quit doing sports since I did not have the energy and I also started to eat more to get more energy. It did not help..

After a year I had gone from nearly normal weight to being quite overweight... And it broke my heart. I ate around 3500+ calories (?) or more on my bad days, and I hardly moved. I went from size XS/S to L. It did not help my self-esteem, that hardly existed before.. It was a rough year and I started self-harming.. It did not changed after I turned 16 this year.

When I turned 16 in February I was at my highest weight ever. That´s when I wanted to change, to become thinner and "prettier".. My diet started "harmless" and stayed that way till March. I still did not like how I looked, even after loosing quite a bit of weight, so I became more harsher and worked out even more. When the summer was almost done my parents started to worry and wanted me to gain weight, but still I felt I was still fat as I was at my highest.. And then when the school started my friends and people at the gym started to worry about me, which only made it worse and I felt like they lied to me and only said that to make me even more fatter than them all, which was not the case.

After not seeing my doctor since February, before it all started, I saw him 3 weeks ago (the time I started recover) and he was shocked by the look of me. He could not believe his eyes since I had lost over 1/3 of my weight or the result´s from the EKG, my heart was at the edge of failing.. So he forbid me to work out and got me a appointment at BUP (I´m from Norway) so I could get some help.

So here am I, still struggling and not clear from self-harming or anything.. I´m just hoping I get the help I need to get my life back and stop hurting myself. And my goal is to finally get to run outside with the wind blowing in my face! Very Happy

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6 Re: My recovery story on Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:16 pm

I just feel like sharing my story, hope you guys are all doing well Smile It all started when I began high school, it was a huge transition for me and I had to say good buy to a lot of my close friends. The work was harder, the teachers were stricter and it was very bitchy (all girls school) I felt out of control, like i wasn't getting a day in how things were working out for me. So I chose to get control somehow, through what I ate and through my weight. All my new friends were tiny and looked like I did when I was eight (I've never being fat just tall) but dpsomehow I felt huge like I needed to lose weight. When I went to the pool after school with my new friend (one in particular) I had to wear her mums bathers (which made me feel disgusting, I just wanted to be small) It started off with just being a healthier diet (no junk food and more limited snacking throughout the day) I lost a few kilos but I still wasn't happy. Mum started being concerned and took me to the doctors (who said that I had nothing to worry about! Boy he was wrong...) at the time however I didn't think I had a problem. This kept going on for a while but gradually the restricting became worse and worse until I started skipping meals, counting calories obsessively and refusing to eat anything cooked by anyone but myself. I remember one time my cousin made me have a slice of her birthday cake and I cried all night thinking that I was going to gain 100 kilos (stupid now that I think about it) anyway so my restriction became horrible and I stared noticing that I had lost far too much weight (I was at the point where even I knew that I had to gain) I was cold all the time, I had to make myself excersize despite my lack of energy, my hair and nails were brittle and thin, I was dizzy and my veins stuck out from beneath my skin. I myself got so terrified of my health state. but I didn't have the mental strength to eat again (by then I couldn't stomach even a piece of fruit without feeling like I was 10 months pregnant) Mum took me to hospital where they did tests on me and immediately admitted me to a ward. TW! At this point I had a bmi of 13 and my heart rate was vital. I statpyed in hospital for 3 weeks and met some lovely people (who also have ED) I am now recovering from home (inpatient) and am on a meal plan. If I am honest recovery scares me but I 100% want it! And all of you should too! Much love to all of you fighting <3 Edith Age:14 xx

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7 Re: My recovery story on Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:19 pm

Whoops sorry I meant outpatient*

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