i am from germany and i hope you will understand my not-very-good-english haha
well, i found this blog by pure chance and i guess that saves me!
i am in "own recovery" for 1-2 months. Honestly I wanted to recover 2 years ago - but i always relapsed beacause i never had the REAL strengh to fight against my anorexia. i always "run back" to the anorexia when there were any problems. but from the beginning of the new year, i started REAL fighting and the first month i spent the most time with thinking about questions like: "why do i still need the anorexia?" and i am SO DAMN SURE: i don't wanna live with it anymore! i am 23, i spent nearly 8 years with this horrible illness ans i can't take it anymore. so i started eating. by the way: i have support from my doc and something like a "coach" who motivates me over and over again and gives me a lot of mental support (he helps me to deal with my psylogical pressure which are the causes für my ED). So I felt strong enough to start it.. But it is SO hard.
i have to gain 15 kg ( i hope its ok to post it?!) but i am full all the time! when i eat "much" it is just about 1600 calories at the end of the day. but i already have to force myself to this number of calories! i read about the minniemaud-method last week and while i read it i thought: "oh yes, i will DO THIS because i want to be HEALTHY and leave this horrible ED behind!" - and since then i never never reach the minimums of 3000 calorien. i reached 2000 calories for 2 times- but thats it.
i try to found the "key" and something like a "recepie": how on earth do i reach 3000 calories? the bad voice insinde my head don't want it and i feel guilty if i eat much.
i really want it but.. i don't know what to do. i wish i could do the minniemaud-method so i will be happy again and i will be LIVING again!!!