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I don't WANT to relapse but I am???

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1 I don't WANT to relapse but I am??? on Tue Feb 24, 2015 9:00 pm

I've been in recovery for about four months and I'm almost completely physically recovered (waiting for my period to go back to normal), but mentally, I haven't improved much.
All the lies I used to believe when my ed was really bad I now know are false, and I'm even beginning to enjoy some foods again. I WANT to recover and get better. My body image is still really bad some days, but other days, I actually feel okay.
But for some reason, out of no where, I'm restricting again. I didn't plan it like I did my other near-relapses, I just started without even thinking about it. I didn't eat as low yesterday as I used to (but still way too low), but today I am. I like my stomach feeling empty; it's comforting, like I've missed it. I feel like I slipped and fell back into my disorder and I don't have the strength anymore to fight and get back up. I don't know why I'm doing this, and although I do want to recover, for some reason, my desire to continue with my eating disorder is too big. Like, I don't feel super fat like I used to (I do have bad body image, but not as bad as when my disorder first started) and I'm not super focused on losing a bunch of weight (I want to, but it isn't my main focus), I'm just doing it to do it, I guess?
I don't know why I'm doing this and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to make myself stop. I feel like I've failed and I don't know.. HELP.

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2 Re: I don't WANT to relapse but I am??? on Sat Feb 28, 2015 4:50 pm

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You're doing this because you're in your EDs trap. You have two choices now: go back to a good amount of calories (2500+++) and recover properly - or relapse and die sooner or later.
I'm nowhere near a psychologist but four months is not much for recovery. Apart from that, have you eaten enough in that time? When I recovered on less than the minimums, I gained weight, but my mindset got better the more food I ate.
Please choose life.

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