All the lies I used to believe when my ed was really bad I now know are false, and I'm even beginning to enjoy some foods again. I WANT to recover and get better. My body image is still really bad some days, but other days, I actually feel okay.
But for some reason, out of no where, I'm restricting again. I didn't plan it like I did my other near-relapses, I just started without even thinking about it. I didn't eat as low yesterday as I used to (but still way too low), but today I am. I like my stomach feeling empty; it's comforting, like I've missed it. I feel like I slipped and fell back into my disorder and I don't have the strength anymore to fight and get back up. I don't know why I'm doing this, and although I do want to recover, for some reason, my desire to continue with my eating disorder is too big. Like, I don't feel super fat like I used to (I do have bad body image, but not as bad as when my disorder first started) and I'm not super focused on losing a bunch of weight (I want to, but it isn't my main focus), I'm just doing it to do it, I guess?
I don't know why I'm doing this and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to make myself stop. I feel like I've failed and I don't know.. HELP.