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Please help me! <3

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1 Please help me! <3 on Sun May 31, 2015 1:07 pm

Hey everybody!
First of all: please excuse my bad English, I am just 13 years old and not from an English-speaking country (so just learned it at school).

I think I am in Quasi Recovery. I am 2 kg above the lowest "healthy" weight for my age/height and maintain my weight with +/- 2000kcal for about 6 months.

Last year (February) my ED started...the worst time was just about one month long. After a very short hospital stay (just 1 week in April 2014) I was forced to start eating again. At this point I hadn't gained anything at all. I ate around 1700kcal for 10month and did not gain. In September/October/November (don't know when exactly) 2014 I decided to eat more. But as I said, just about 2000-2500kcal (some days I ate around 3000 but then restricted on the next day). In this time I gained all the weight back.

I never did excessive sport - just around 2 hours/week.

Now I am maintaining my "healthy" weight with 2000kcal but I am sometimes really depressive and don't have my period back.
Once a week I do yoga and 2 times a week I visit a very soft (and short: just 25 min.) Physiotherapy.

I am really focused on just eating healthy. No sugar. No white bread/pasta/rice. Wholegrain and healthy fats are okay (but in the evening just low carb). I would rather eat nothing than "unhealthy" sugary foods. I have read soo so much about nutriton and how bad sugar is...

I am very afraid of gaining more weight. On the one side I want to recover - and I have made progress (I don't weigh my food anymore and don't count calories strictly, I suggest the calories only) - but I am really terrified of gaining more weight because I already feel very uncomfortable with my body right now (I gained a lot around my stomach).

Any advises? confused

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2 Re: Please help me! <3 on Sun May 31, 2015 4:59 pm

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All these things sound like you're still very deep in your ED. What you're describing are symptoms of malnourishment.
I understand that you're afraid, but you've got a choice to make - you can either choose life or death, because this will happen if you're not going to recover. I love this post from Julia.
I am not a doctor (but I suggest you'd consult one), but I'd recommend starting a real recovery, eating 2500++ and most of all so called "unhealthy" foods. (There is no such thing as healthy/unhealthy food.) In order to overcome your fear and become healthy, you HAVE to face all of them!
I hope you're going to make the right decision - life is so much more than fearing food.

3 Re: Please help me! <3 on Sun May 31, 2015 6:31 pm

Thank you for the awnser! I am in Therapy since the beginning of my ED. I also visited my doctor weekly as I was underweight. But now - she says - it's no longer necessery because I am at a healthy weight. And although my post maybe sounds as I am still very deep in my ED: I really made progress. I can eat out again. I can travel. I can have fun again. There are good moments and there are bad moments.

Which post do you mean? Julia from Lordstilllovesme?

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4 Re: Please help me! <3 on Sun May 31, 2015 6:39 pm

Oh - found that post. Thx.About 3 months ago I tried to eat the magic 3000. After 3 days I stopped as I saw, that I gained 3kg. These 3kg are still there -it was not water.In July 2014 (where I was very underweight) there was a period where I thought to start MinnieMaud. I did not do it. And I regret it so much now (I cry nearly every day because of this). Now I have the feeling that it's too late. I'm afraid that if I would start it now I would get a relapse because I couldn't deal with the weight gain. As I was underweight I could do it but now it's too late?!

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5 Re: Please help me! <3 on Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:07 am

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Aaah, all right! Glad you're meeting a therapist <3
It's never too late to start Minnie Maud! I think it's mainly a way to fix your metabolism, and it's totally normal that your weight goes up a bit faster. This does NOT mean that you'll never stop gaining weight or that you'll be getting chubby; why not give it another try?! Smile

6 Re: Please help me! <3 on Mon Jun 01, 2015 5:33 pm

I think, If I would start now (and I really don't think, that my mind is able to do that) I could not handle with the weight gain. This would lead to even more restriction and less calories (I know - that is the wrong way). That's why I am so angry about myself. Had I overcomes me, when I was underweight, I could deal with it- and then everything would be better now.

Also my natural hunger is not 3000calories. Just about 2000-2500kcal. But I am 5'7 and under 18 so my guideline would be 3000calories. I don't want to start weighing my food again and counting every single bite.

How do you do this with MinnieMaud? You can't even eat out, when you don't know the calories?

I think, I would overshoot my setpoint because my weight is stable at 2000kcal for months now.

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7 Re: Please help me! <3 on Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:05 am

It's not too late to do MM. If you still have symptoms of starvation, your body needs the energy. And just a quick comment on the "I gained 3 kilos in 3 days and it's not water": it WAS water in the beginning. It's not possible to gain that much fat i 3 days. You're not a unicorn. What probably happened is that you "gained" 3 kilos in mostly water, and then you started gaining fat slowly, while dropping the water weight at the same time, just as slowly. I also experienced this. My weight plateaued several time during recovery due to water going out at the same time as as I gained fat. I noticed the exchange by feeling more and more firm the further I got into recovery. And the weight redistributed. In early recovery I couldn't wear many of my favorite clothes, feeling very sad about it, but now I can wear them again (and I actually got smaller around my waist compared to before recovery!). 

You say your hunger cues are less than 3000, and you may be right, but there's nothing to loose by trying to bump up the intake for a while. The only "bad" thing that can happen is that you overshoot a bit (only temporarily), but the good things that WILL happen is redistribution of the weight around your stomach, getting your period back, getting rid of your disordered behaviors around food and getting your life back! You need to seriously consider doing MM because even though it's scary, it's worth it. Try following a meal plan (http://letsrecover.tumblr.com/mealplans) to get rid of that addicting habit of calorie counting (I have had that demon on my shoulder, too). When the starvation symptoms are gone, you can start eating by hunger cues, and then your weight will stabilize where it's supposed to be.

I wish you the best <3

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