I'm underweight, not very underweight (i think? but that ight be just ed talking), and have about 10-15 lbs (or 4.5-7 kg) to gain.
About 5 months ago I accepted I had ed after going to the doctors (it was kind of like anorexia nervosa, athletica, and orthorexia combined i guess) and tried to begin recovery. At first I was in quasi recovery, eating about 1800-2200 cal. Then I found MM and started eating 2800-3000 cal, but I would eat most of my calories at night (and about 800-1000 during the day) and I would even wake up in the middle of the night to get my calories in instead of eating them during the day. I gave up exercise but still walked A LOT and tried to walk fast. Extreme hunger hit me, but i would only respond to it at night (although i'd still manage 5000-6000 cal). I think I actually started eating my calories during the day too though after awhile. Doing this made me gain about 8 lbs, have tons of energy again, lose hair but grow new hair, focus better, have some of my life back. I don't know why but after about 3 months I kind of stopped eating so much and relapsed and i don't remember if my extreme hunger stopped or I just forced myself to stop. I stopped weighing myself and probably just ate about 2000 cal (probably less since i think i overestimated foods). For some reason I guess I thought i was recovered??? and about 2 months ago i began strength training without cardio (besides walking) and eating 1800-2500 cal because i lost weight again and wanted to gain muscle and look fit, not skinny. I thought I was "healthy" again (i really have no idea why now that i look back on it). Anyways, last week i flew to Germany, where i spend most of my summer, and didn't exercise, since i couldn't, but still restricted between 1800-2500. Yesterday night I ate 2800 cal (I couldnt do more because i saved calories for night and was stuffed, even though i was hungry dduring the day and could have EASILY eaten so much more). But, I made the decision to begin REAL recovery (I said I would start when i wake up, which was about 3 hours ago) bcause I AM SO TIRED of this. My question is...what do I do? I dont know whether to count calories or not. So far I've eaten about 300 and soon it's going to be lunchtime (idk how much to eat?). For dinner my dad usually cooks and it ends up being about 800-1000 cal (and i cant make it any lower) but I'm usually hungry after that and eat 800 during the 1-2 hrs before i sleep (after dinner I'm usually awake for another 5 hours because it's summer). I will eat 3000 definitely, but should i eat more than that? What should I eat? Also, since my extreme hunger past the first time i tried recovering, will i not experience it again?
Additional Info: -I weigh about the same as I did before my first time recovering
-there will be some unavoidable activity i have to engage in (for example the waterpark for my cousins birthday, scuba diving because it has already been paid for) but for at least half of the week i am able to just relax and do nothing
-Here Germany they eat a lot of meat (and not only chicken, they like red meat, pork, etc..), wurst, full fat dairy, potatoes, and bread (this is a bit stereotypical but I'm referring to my family/relatives)
-I do have a lot of fear foods (including the red meat, wurst, full fat dairy, potatoes, pasta, ice cream, chocolate, candy, sauces, added sugar, etc etc)
-I mostly like healthy foods (like my taste buds like these foods not my ed) like salmon, fish, vegetables, fruits, eggs. But my taste buds also like cake, chocolate, ice cream, wurst, etc (i'm just afraid to eat them although i know i will need to,but when should i start?)
Pleaseeee help asap <3 thank you so so much