Want to recover but need help! (TW)

I've been in relapse in anorexia and I really want to get better but...

1. I feel that I'm 'not sick enough' as my BMI is only just below xx. I know this sounds ridiculous but I want to recover for good this time, so if I succeed this is like my 'last chance' to get to a really low weight. It's like I want to be a 'better' anorexic before letting go and fully committing to recovery. Also it's like I want to have to gain more weight in recovery so that it will take longer and I can lavish more care on myself as well as postpone the weight-restored/maintenance phase (because I'm not so sure how to do that yet).

2. I'm afraid to gain weight because I'm afraid my metabolism is damaged beyond 100% repair as I've had anorexia for 7-8 years with 4 relapses (with some episodes of extremely severe restriction). I'm afraid I'll gain too fast, overshoot, and/or not be able to maintain on decent amount of calories post weight-restoration.



I guess I just really need some encouragement and reassurance. Personal experiences would also be helpful. Thanks a lot. xx

Your fears and thoughts are just the anorexic part in you screaming out loud. Don't hold yourself back from recovery. You have this one life and it isn't about weight!

1. this is the thing like 'I'm not thin enough, bla bla bla...' You can find sth about this in the FAQ of letsrecover.tumblr.com
The thing is that you'll never be thin enough for recovery, you'll never have this moment you'll feel 100% ready (no offense if anybody felt that way- I didn't) Also mentioning BMI is not helpful and rather triggering, if I may add that.

2. Your metabolism will speed up. You'll never hear enough personal experiences to feel 100% sure about it. But check out "how do I get started?" And "experiences" on letsrecover.tumblr.

So all in all, you have to jump in it. It won't be fun, smooth or easy. It's hard work. But it pays off. Why would you be here if your ED was 'nice'? It is not and therefore no struggle during recovery is worse than a lifelong (short) existance with an ED.
Hope this helped a bit

gainmylifeback--Thank you so much for your reply. And I do apologise if the mention of BMI is triggering! I totally didn't think so as I just don't feel I'm sick enough anyway. Actually I do think I have an idea of what would be 'sick enough', but then of course it's anorexia talking and there's always even 'sicker'. I don't know, I wish there could be something to push me to recover now. I'm tired of this hell. I don't know why I'm here again, having to start over again, after putting in so much effort to recover. I was doing so well.

Being tired of your ED is the first step to recovery. You know that something is very wrong - and that's good. The only one who can push you now is yourself.